With rumours circulating of Columbian drug-cartel visiting Northumberland, or a possible stooge in training for the 2014's Tour de France, one of our top reporters, Gav Erringnews has tyre-lessly travelled over 300 miles through Kent and into France (we wouldn't sanction the ferry fare on expenses so he had to swim it) tracking-down the facts around this story.
It seems word first got-out about some form of drug-consumption in deepest Northumberland: Mavis and Gertrude were too busy in the milking-parlour to comment, but we have it on good authority that their story is Kosher - well OK maybe not the bit about the Martians, and also Boris Johnson hitting No. 1 in the charts, but Wilbur can't be wrong about the rest can he - I mean, it was straight from the horses-mouth...
Doesn't it seem just a little suspicious that from struggling to complete a mere 5 miles just a few months ago, this so-called London to Paris cyclist suddenly has the ability not only to complete the 80-odd miles a day necessary for the event, but to have beaten the catering-crew to the lunch-stop on the first day, and then hot-footed it down to Dover by 3pm seems so implausible that not even Stretch (Lance's brother) would dare suggest....
The suspicions grow even deeper. Two other riders who the alleged L2P cyclist met soon after the departure, told us that the man's bike made a very odd noise, - in fact, sounding "motorised" at times. The rider tried to suggest this was merely some new-fangled form of gear-changing system, but we say poppy-cock, cables are tried and trusted, have been used reliably for decades and we're not fooled.... If there is a battery on a bike then we say it can only be for one thing- powering forward-motion!!! Cheat!!!
When asked for further comment, one of the two men told us that the noise reminded him initially of the "Terminator", but the other man argued it was more like the sound of Robocop going for his gun: "you have 30 seconds to comply".
Our reporter began to think at this point that these two had perhaps been smoking a bit too much cheese, and quickly moved-on to track-down the real facts behind this story.
Our reporter had no worries about drying-out from his channel swim, as he ran through the French countryside in 35deg heat on the day 2 of this organised challenge, "hot" on the trail of the suspected cheat!! "I nearly caught up with him!!" he told us, but the cyclist and his two partners in crime [we now suspect these two could be his dealers?] set-off out of Calais at break-neck speed, and were not seen again until about 22 miles further, for an alleged "drink" stop: our reporter loved chemistry at school, and happened to have a basic chemistry kit on him (Ed: why??] so tested some of the traces of liquid he found on the ground once the whole group had moved-on: no drug traces were to be found on that occasion, but Gav thinks they just covered their tracks, after hearing something in the bushes......
Another early start on day 3 and our reporter swore he saw an older, better-looking version of "suspect-velo-man" departing the hotel on his, ahem, "non-battery powered" bike. The story took a twist and we now believe that the drugs suspicions were merely part of an even more elaborate scam to throw everyone off the track, and that the REAL ruse was indeed the use of a stand-in? A stooge who's real purpose is secret-training for the 2014 Tour de France - it can be no coincidence that next year's Grande Departe is from the north of England....
Cycle-shop owners up and down the country report selling "two" of everything when the Velo-Cheat made any purchase of clothing.... Now why would that be.
And Northumberland residents now confirm that for the last few months, a man fitting the description of "Mr B" has been spotted frequently, and was heard for miles puffing and panting his way up the hills: how is it then, that this very same person left Blackheath Common last Wednesday and beat the catering-crew [driving a van remember] to the lunch-stop? it MUST have been his stand-in/double!!! And just who was the person sitting in Dover waiting for the ferry, some 3 and a half hours before the ferry left for Calais? Sure a basic mistake for anyone to make.
A tip-off led us to a website and “blog” the man has set-up: this proves nothing. Our investigations brought to light that Mr B suddenly began an interest in photography about 18 months ago – anyone can use photo-shop these days so pictures prove nothing. T-shirts can be printed for a couple-of-quid down at the local market, and whilst the website and blog appear at first to be genuine, just remember – Mumbai is the outsourcing hub for most IT activities these days, and we think the website and blog will have cost merely a tenner to put together and maintain….
We did contact the event organisers but they would neither confirm nor deny that Mr B was registered for the event – muttering something about “Data Protection” and all that.
“What about the JustGiving page & link” we hear you ask: well, we contacted Parkinson’s UK and they tell us in fact the man has raised over £5,300 in support of this cause, and that yes they have indeed received the money safely. We think this merely points to the fact this cheat has gone so far as to set-up some form of money-laundering scheme with his new-found Columbian associates…..
Alas, our reporter gave up the chase at the end of day 3, muttering something about the group being increasingly patched/bandaged up by day 3, knee & elbow wounds, insect-bites, mechanical carnage, "the Somme", copious amounts of mud, rain, hailstones and even a lightening strike. We can confirm there were thunderstorms in the area on the day in question, but as for a flash of lightning, we now think this was merely "Velo-cheat" recharging the battery for his illegal bicycle, and the flash was because he'd connected the terminals around the wrong way. His hair sticking-up on the "scenic photo" on his blog pages are evident of an electrical shock.
Further evidence supporting the use of "medicinal-enhancements" or a stand-in, comes in the form of other cyclists participating in the same event who commented that the suspect appeared in the bar and at dinner each evening looking too relaxed for having completed an 80 mile ride.....
So WHO was the REAL person standing in front of the Eifel Tower on Saturday, holding a bike aloft as if daring to imply that he himself had completed the journey?
We say: IMPOSTER!!!!!
It seems word first got-out about some form of drug-consumption in deepest Northumberland: Mavis and Gertrude were too busy in the milking-parlour to comment, but we have it on good authority that their story is Kosher - well OK maybe not the bit about the Martians, and also Boris Johnson hitting No. 1 in the charts, but Wilbur can't be wrong about the rest can he - I mean, it was straight from the horses-mouth...
Doesn't it seem just a little suspicious that from struggling to complete a mere 5 miles just a few months ago, this so-called London to Paris cyclist suddenly has the ability not only to complete the 80-odd miles a day necessary for the event, but to have beaten the catering-crew to the lunch-stop on the first day, and then hot-footed it down to Dover by 3pm seems so implausible that not even Stretch (Lance's brother) would dare suggest....
The suspicions grow even deeper. Two other riders who the alleged L2P cyclist met soon after the departure, told us that the man's bike made a very odd noise, - in fact, sounding "motorised" at times. The rider tried to suggest this was merely some new-fangled form of gear-changing system, but we say poppy-cock, cables are tried and trusted, have been used reliably for decades and we're not fooled.... If there is a battery on a bike then we say it can only be for one thing- powering forward-motion!!! Cheat!!!
When asked for further comment, one of the two men told us that the noise reminded him initially of the "Terminator", but the other man argued it was more like the sound of Robocop going for his gun: "you have 30 seconds to comply".
Our reporter began to think at this point that these two had perhaps been smoking a bit too much cheese, and quickly moved-on to track-down the real facts behind this story.
Our reporter had no worries about drying-out from his channel swim, as he ran through the French countryside in 35deg heat on the day 2 of this organised challenge, "hot" on the trail of the suspected cheat!! "I nearly caught up with him!!" he told us, but the cyclist and his two partners in crime [we now suspect these two could be his dealers?] set-off out of Calais at break-neck speed, and were not seen again until about 22 miles further, for an alleged "drink" stop: our reporter loved chemistry at school, and happened to have a basic chemistry kit on him (Ed: why??] so tested some of the traces of liquid he found on the ground once the whole group had moved-on: no drug traces were to be found on that occasion, but Gav thinks they just covered their tracks, after hearing something in the bushes......
Another early start on day 3 and our reporter swore he saw an older, better-looking version of "suspect-velo-man" departing the hotel on his, ahem, "non-battery powered" bike. The story took a twist and we now believe that the drugs suspicions were merely part of an even more elaborate scam to throw everyone off the track, and that the REAL ruse was indeed the use of a stand-in? A stooge who's real purpose is secret-training for the 2014 Tour de France - it can be no coincidence that next year's Grande Departe is from the north of England....
Cycle-shop owners up and down the country report selling "two" of everything when the Velo-Cheat made any purchase of clothing.... Now why would that be.
And Northumberland residents now confirm that for the last few months, a man fitting the description of "Mr B" has been spotted frequently, and was heard for miles puffing and panting his way up the hills: how is it then, that this very same person left Blackheath Common last Wednesday and beat the catering-crew [driving a van remember] to the lunch-stop? it MUST have been his stand-in/double!!! And just who was the person sitting in Dover waiting for the ferry, some 3 and a half hours before the ferry left for Calais? Sure a basic mistake for anyone to make.
A tip-off led us to a website and “blog” the man has set-up: this proves nothing. Our investigations brought to light that Mr B suddenly began an interest in photography about 18 months ago – anyone can use photo-shop these days so pictures prove nothing. T-shirts can be printed for a couple-of-quid down at the local market, and whilst the website and blog appear at first to be genuine, just remember – Mumbai is the outsourcing hub for most IT activities these days, and we think the website and blog will have cost merely a tenner to put together and maintain….
We did contact the event organisers but they would neither confirm nor deny that Mr B was registered for the event – muttering something about “Data Protection” and all that.
“What about the JustGiving page & link” we hear you ask: well, we contacted Parkinson’s UK and they tell us in fact the man has raised over £5,300 in support of this cause, and that yes they have indeed received the money safely. We think this merely points to the fact this cheat has gone so far as to set-up some form of money-laundering scheme with his new-found Columbian associates…..
Alas, our reporter gave up the chase at the end of day 3, muttering something about the group being increasingly patched/bandaged up by day 3, knee & elbow wounds, insect-bites, mechanical carnage, "the Somme", copious amounts of mud, rain, hailstones and even a lightening strike. We can confirm there were thunderstorms in the area on the day in question, but as for a flash of lightning, we now think this was merely "Velo-cheat" recharging the battery for his illegal bicycle, and the flash was because he'd connected the terminals around the wrong way. His hair sticking-up on the "scenic photo" on his blog pages are evident of an electrical shock.
Further evidence supporting the use of "medicinal-enhancements" or a stand-in, comes in the form of other cyclists participating in the same event who commented that the suspect appeared in the bar and at dinner each evening looking too relaxed for having completed an 80 mile ride.....
So WHO was the REAL person standing in front of the Eifel Tower on Saturday, holding a bike aloft as if daring to imply that he himself had completed the journey?
We say: IMPOSTER!!!!!
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